I feel like I'm going to scream.
You know the kind. The kind of scream that ignites a torrent of emotions; emotions that have thus far been lying dormant.
The kind that bleeds desperation, frustration... and heartache.
The kind that seems as if to be your only outlet.
I just want to scream. And have, plenty of times already... in my head.
Change is a strange dichotomy -- at least in my life I know this to be true.
There are those that hate change, and there are those that thrive on it. But what of us poor souls who always seem to be torn... finding ourselves amongst that middle ground? Loving change, yet sorely disliking it at the same time?? What are we to do? How are we to live...
The feeling as though you will explode at any moment. Not from excitement, but from being stretched. Stretched in a new atmosphere, new surroundings.
The silent tears that fall each night on your pillow. The ones that represent the close of a chapter in life. The loss of something once had, of friends once seen... but are no more.
These are the growing pains of transition... the evidence of being in the in-between. They are the battle scars in the process of change. Though not yet morphed into anything concrete, change has occurred. Is occurring. Will occur. We must endure these growing pains if we are to ever reach the other side.
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I never really got to say goodbye to Phoenix. I was too busy packing, too busy making preparations. I wish I could have made time for that moment. That moment to sit down and write. That moment to let everything pour out from my fingertips...
Instead I say goodbye to Phoenix every day.
I am literally going to scream.
My days are filled with hounding phone calls from the credit card companies, repeating the same old questions like a broken record. And my reply is always the same... I don't have any money. I don't have a job. I'm too sick to work. There are the calls from the insurance company, saying they can't cover my medications yet because they haven't received the go ahead from my previous employer. My previous employer claims they have already given the go ahead, and instead it is the insurance holding everything up. I lose my patience as I try to put an end to this vicious cycle and simply GET my medications.
I am drowning in paperwork. Endless paperwork. I'd rather stick myself in the chest with a needle than fill this stuff out. It is like pulling teeth... But I have to do it. If I am to get the aid I so desperately deserve, I MUST press on. Everything you've ever heard about the process of applying for Social Security disability -- everything you've heard and more -- is true. It is long, it is drawn out, it is grueling.
I have felt this scream a hundred times before. Like the time I began living on my own in China...and didn't think I could do it. Or like the time I graduated college and realized that the blissful stage between home and the real world was about to be over. The time I moved out west not knowing a soul...
And now. Now I've left those five beautiful, difficult, rewarding, heart-wrenching, healing and growth-filled years in Arizona all behind.
I miss my friends more than I can say. There are days when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and pull all my hair out. Credit card bills. Phone calls. Paperwork. Paperwork. Paperwork. Ugh.
And YET...
There is an incredible peace. That feeling you have when you just know that everything will be alright. Comfort. A soft stillness within. The assurance that what you've done was right, and no amount of present pain can make you change your mind. It is indescribable -- a calm amongst the storm.
I came here for a new life. A life with family... and for a chance to breathe again, in more ways than one. The present peace outweighs the tears... making everything worth it. And though I know they will eventually come, my heart still longs for those days of the future to hasten... the days when my body can rest...when hopefully I'll get my disability...when I will have friends again...and can build a new life for myself.
